“You’re so desperate to fall in love, aren’t you?!” J- said, laughing a little while the sunrays kept glittering in her eyes. “Maybe I am. But I like to think it’s just a basic human need, J-… We, humans, need it.” H- replied, leaning back on the grass while watching the sun set behind the tall mountains. “You mean love?” J- paused for a moment, waiting for a reply from H-, but he kept staring at the mountains, and so she went on saying that she thinks he shouldn’t get into this love mess. “I knew you were going to say that,” H- broke into laughter. “It’s what people in love always have to say to those poor souls who haven’t even experienced it yet.” J, with a forced smile, replied, “Trust me, I’m talking from experience.” “No…. I think I’ll find that out for myself,” H- said finally. J- with a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth, sighed and got off her chair and lay down beside Hashim on the grass. They both stayed silent for a while. The sky above had a few clouds scattered across, and for a moment, it felt like they were witnessing this for the first time. The clouds shimmer quietly, painted in pink and red, while a cool breeze slips over them. It all felt quiet, quiet enough that J- could hear the rhythm of her own breath.

 

Their parents weren’t home. Abbu lived far away due to work and only visited on the weekends, while Ammi was in another city for a week or so because of her fieldwork. H- was used to their absence. Though he never admitted it, he often found himself more or less content—maybe even at peace without them. J- , on the other hand, didn’t like it much. The chores, combined with her office work, were too much to handle. H- helped now and then, but at the end of the day, it was she who had to carry out most of the work. “By the way… I don’t want you to think I’ll do something stupid,” H- said to his sister just when the sun disappeared completely behind the mountains. “I know what kind of society we live in.” J- said nothing, but she understood exactly where he was going with this. “I know that here, love either becomes a by-product of socioeconomic conditions or becomes haram unless it’s for a marriage you never even asked for.” He gave his voice depth as he said the last part. J- stayed silent, and H-, noticing it, continued. “You know, for me, love means finding that speck of madness in the person you say you love, and letting them know that you’re just as mad and just as broken as they are, and that this thread of love is just a small space for both of you to heal each other, without… judging each other.” H- stopped. When he didn’t hear a reply, he turned to look at his sister, but she was already staring at him with a big smile on her face. “When did you become this mature?” J- whispered, her face frozen in gentle confusion. “Ahm… It’s not that hard, actually. Just a little sprinkle of good books and a sharp eye on the people around you,” he said with a sarcastic smile. “I wish all boys were like you, H-.”

 

Pondering on her answer, H- caught sight of a plane piercing through the sky, leaving behind a white streak of what looked like a flickering tail struggling to follow the plane. Something about the way she said it was strange, H- thought to himself for a while. But before he could say anything, J- stood up and left. H- was still lying on the grass; his head straight up staring at the little speck of light offered by little shimmering stars in the sky. It is really getting dark, he whispered to himself, and taking his mobile phone, he too went inside. It was dark inside, and there was no light as usual. Even though they were in the city, electricity remained a significant issue. “No matter how advanced the world gets, we will still be cutting each other’s heads and crying for electricity every day!” His father would often say whenever the light went out in the city. “Hey, listen,” H- went into J -‘s room, creaking the already half-open door a little, “what did you mean when you said all boys should be a little nice?” J- stopped scrawling her phone and looked straight up to H- as if she was not expecting this and did not know how to respond. “I just said it-“ “Is everything alright between you and Amir?” H- interrupted before she could finish. “Yes. Everything is just fine, don’t worry.” She looked at H-, smiling, as if to say that he was being a little too emotional now and that there was nothing to worry about. “No. It’s… ahm…. It’s just that I thought I should ask.” He said with a caring smile, he often would give when he had something more to say, but somehow could not. “Sure thing.” H- closed the door on his way back and returned to his room. J- kept blankly scrawling her phone; the thought of lying to H- kept her mind busy. She puts her phone down and closes her eyes, but the thought of lying to Hashim keeps knocking her head. Each time getting louder and louder, until at last she allows it all to rush in. She gets filled with a spectrum of emotions that carry her away towards questions she thought she would never think about. Her mind kept repeating constantly: why did she lie to him when it was all written on her face?

 

 

J- gets snatches herself back from her thoughts. “H-! hey, dukoyal na.” J- yelled from the room. “Ahah?” H- said while peeking into the room, “Why don’t we go for a ride?” “Amlar-where to?” “You know where, come on.” “Okay mam…..get ready, I’ll start the car.” Hashim left to find the keys, J- signed and left to change her clothes. Looking at the mirror, J- thought to herself to tell Hashim everything, after all, he is her brother and will understand. But somewhere something held J- back. “J- xu bay!” H- called her loudly “Daya, coming!” J- replied back while stepping onto the part which told her to tell H- everything, and but again she hushes the thought, only to think that someday she will tell him, but not now. Now is not the right time.

 

H- sides the car in the middle of the bridge. It was a long, newly built bridge with yellow and black stripes. Below them Gilgit river flowed with a roar so loud that the noise of nearby passing cars barely reached their ears. The river was muddy and fearless. After spending some time staring at the river, both went back into the car. They both were shivering and rubbing their hands. “That was something!” H- laughed while wrapping himself tightly with his hands. J- slowly smiled and, grabbing the shawl from the backseat, wrapped it around herself. The same silence again fills, except that this time the roar of the river was in the back. “You know what I love the most about this river?,” J- said, looking on her left where H- was sitting, “It is her roar H-. You come here, and no matter how loud your thoughts may be, they cease to exist in comparison to her humongous roar. H- said nothing and, looking at J-, remained silent all the way through. “Because of that roar, there is this harmony building inside of you. Unaware of you or your circumstances, that roar, that river, she knows nothing but to the echo inside of your mind. In all the corners of your mind H-. She makes you forget about the world for a while because she hushes all the other voices, and not by stopping them, which she cannot do for sure, but by being louder than the voices themselves. I think bravery is sometimes this, baya? That is the one who is brave knows nothing of silencing the troubles stirring inside, but only that he knows, or has something that knows, how to be louder than pain itself. H- looking at the river on his right says, “I know you J-, and I also know you are no different than this river. And I also know I am proud of you for that……I always will.” H- looks at J- blankly. A part of her now was full of joy, and another part of her was confused. She says nothing. But H- with a crescent smile on his face drives the car back home saying, “All this talk and you say I am mature.” The same silence fills both of them again. But now it is something that J- wants for a while.